Oh… Hello there! 🖐🏼

Hi friends. It’s been awhile.

I really want to blog more. Write more. Tell you things. Life-ing is hard when you have mental health problems. (and in general.)

There are days when I can feel like I’m on top of the universe. I can do everything. And one small thing can just make it come crashing down.

🔥 🔥 🔥

Part of my healing has been writing. So I think I’ll blog it.

Love me.


The mind of Jessica – 25 minutes on the Elliptical trainer.

So I’m back at it. And I had an appointment today with Staci my personal trainer. And I’m feeling motivated so I thought I’d go to the gym a bit early. Also I was really annoyed because the cleaners came at like 3:50 and gave me heart failure because I didn’t realize they were coming today, and this BIG BURLY tattooed man unlocked our door and came in and I swear if I owned a gun I probably would have shot him out of fear. But turns out he was just part of our Cleaner’s team. Anyway. So I went to the gym a bit early to do some cardio before Staci tried to kill me…

If you ever wondered what goes through my brain on the elliptical, here it is:

Get on the Elliptical
Put iPod on, find a good song
Program Elliptical for Random Hill Level 9
Ellipt (yes I made that up)
Look at clock. 1.00 minutes have elapsed.
The song is pumping me up. Ok Jessica. You can do this. This is awesome. Think of how great you’ll feel after this. Think of how awesome you’ll look eventually. Hey look at you go. Oh yeah. Woo hoo! Burning calories. Yeah bitches.
Look at the clock thinking surely 10 minutes has passed by now.
3.23
Wait. What? that can’t be right? I’ve been ellipting for at least 10 minutes. Seriously? This thing must be broken. It’s broken. I’m sure it’s broken. It can’t be right. Oh well. Who cares. Keep going. You can do it. FEEL THE BURN. It’s great. Working out is good for you. You love it. Keep it up. You’re doing a really good job. OOOO I LOVE THIS SONG. *Turns up ipod*. I wonder if I could dance and ellipt at the same time. I probably shouldn’t try that. I’ll probably hurt myself. Nah. I won’t hurt myself. Yes. Yes I will. No I won’t try to dance and Ellipt. I’m thirsty. *drinks water with minimal spillage while maintaining pace* Ok. NOW it must be like 30 minutes that I’ve been on this thing. It MUST be. I’m sweating like a pig. This is gross. I don’t SWEAT. Look at the clock.

4.17

REALLY? Oh hey that girl has been climbing those stairs for a long time. Why the hell would anyone pay money to come climb that awful machine. Maybe because there’s a TV at the top of it? I don’t get it. They’re HUGE stairs, and it moves, and people always look like they’re DYING and HATE it when they’re on it. It makes LESS sense to me than running does. Seriously. Running at least can serve a purpose at some point. For instance if a huge scary animal is chasing you, or you’ve pissed someone off and they can’t run as fast as you, or in the zombie apocalypse, but stair climbing? I dunno. I’m not convinced it’s sensible. Surely now it must be time for my appointment…
7.58

SERIOUSLY?! You’re kidding. This is dumb. Also, is that guy gay? I’m sure he’s gay. He’s a nice looking guy – in a I’m not attracted to you but I Can appreciate that you look nice way. I wonder what his name is? He’s ALWAYS here. Like every time I come here (which isn’t often lately but seriously it was a lot before) he was here. Didn’t matter what time I was here or what day. He’s always here. Does he live here? I wonder if he’s the “man” in his relationship? He must be strong. I’ve only ever seen him do weights. But he’s little. I think he’s shorter than I am. He’s not a big BEEFCAKE guy. I bet he runs. Yeah he must run. I’m going to look over there now. OH MY GOD WHY THE HELL DID YOU LOOK OVER THERE. Great. Now I have to process this. That guy has skinny legs. Holy crap. And oh, tattoos. OH a very brightly colored tatoo on his outer upper thigh? That’s kind of odd, it’s a nice tattoo – I think, I can’t see it in detail, but I feel it’s kind of… feminine? I wonder if he has a girlfriend? He seems straight but that tattoo, not so much. Oh. My. God. Those shorts. He’s wearing… omg. He’s wearing hot pants. tiny black hot pants. I guess some people like to work out in their underwear? Interesting. He kind of reminds me of the “SaskatchatOOOOOOn” guy from Grown Ups. Hmm. I’ll watch him for awhile. Wow. He’s pretty strong. That tattoo and those short shorts are very distracting. I’m not sure what I’m looking at. My brain is still trying to process all of this.  Oh, there’s Staci, surely it hasn’t been 25 minutes already… Looks at the clock

24.32


Winston Kitty

Today was a very hard day for me..
I’ve been a part of losing the family pet a few times. The first time was with Cody, my best friend’s family dog. He was a big black lab/newfie cross and he was a really cool dog. I remember when he got sick and we all piled into the car (it was never a question that I’d go too) and we went to the vet and waiting for testing. And then the decision was made. And it was terribly sad.

A couple weeks after that we had to put down our family dog. My childhood dog. Spikey, we’d had him since I was 10. It was so hard!

Later, in 2010 our family dog Beau, died of cancer. That one was the hardest on my mom. And now I fully understand why. I mean, I always understood, but now I get it entirely.

And not long ago in late 2012 we said goodbye to Peaches.

So it’s not like I have no experience in the loss of a pet. However, I did not have experience with losing a pet that was my pet. I mean he was shared with Tim (when Tim was there) and he was a part of the family. But he was MY cat. We went to the humane society and *I* picked him. He was attached to me, and loved me unconditionally – even though cats are very conditional. He was my sweet boy. I didn’t have experience needing to be the person who made the decision. Who was in power of this tiny little sweet life.

Winston was an oddball. A goof. He was timid and shy and nervous around people he didn’t know. But once he warmed up to you, he was fine. He loved to play fetch with his stuffed fish. And he loved LOVED loved pipe cleaners. He loved people food. All of it. He ate asparagus, spinach, all kids of meat, cheese, veggies, nuts, candy, etc… He’d eat whatever he could find as long as it was food. I remember once he and Austin found an advil on the ground and they both played with it like it was the coolest toy they’d ever found. I’m surprised he didn’t eat it! I of course picked it up haha. But yeah…

He was loving. And Caring. And intuitive. He knew when I was sad, or when I was in pain. He loved sitting on my lap or my back or my shoulders. He loved being close. He gave headbutts and kisses. And he would always tell me about his day. He was a chatty little boy.

He was a big cat. 16.5 pounds. But he was dainty and sweet. And he was a gorgeous cat. I don’t know anyone that met him and didn’t say he was beautiful. He had chubby little cheeks because he didn’t get neutered till he was 2.

He had crossed eyes and would sometimes have a hard time focusing.  He wasn’t always the brightest crayon in the box, but he was beautiful, so it was okay.

He was only 7.5. Too young. I always expected Austin to get sick first. I was worried Austin would die first, and Winston would be lost. He didn’t do well as an only cat.

I’m starting to get worked up so I’ll end this now. But thank you to Vets to Go, Pet Heaven, and ALL my wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive to me right now.

I love you Winston, I’m glad you didn’t suffer too long, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there right away. You’re a good, good boy.

 


What the heck?!

So last night’s dream:

I was staying in the same hotel, but it was either before or after the serial killer thing (see yesterday’s post)… Because there was no sign of it. Also, this time I was alone in my room – and Alex from my work was also staying in the hotel for some reason, but we weren’t working together on something he was up there for something unrelated and played a very minor role in my dream. I just knew that he was there, and I think we’d gone for drinks or dinner one night.

The pool was in the very center of the hotel, and when I looked through the windows of the hallway I could see the pool. It was REALLY big, and quite busy. It also played a very minor role in my dream but it was prominent and I remember looking at it a lot in my dream so I don’t know what that’s about.

I was out with friends, and they were close friends in my dream – but I don’t know who they were (in my life). They were a couple – a man and a woman who had approx 3 children (maybe more, not less). One of the children was about 7 years old and was terminally ill. I was visiting her at her house.

She was talking to me about how she wasn’t afraid to die, and that it was okay because she got to live to be 7 and to meet the people she was supposed to meet and to be able to know that they love her and have them know that she loves them back, because she see’s some kids at the hospital where she goes that can’t even communicate with their parents and she thinks that must be really sad.

She told me that she wished that her family could be happy and have fun around her though – instead of being sad all the time, and that she really hated seeing them all so sad. They should save being sad for when she’s actually gone, and not now because she’s still here and she can still laugh and play and have fun.

She was 7, but she was tiny, like a 3 year old at best.

She found out I was staying at whatever hotel it was I was at (I still don’t know what hotel it was) and she begged her mom & dad to let her go with me because it was the weekend (I had to stay on the weekend for some reason , which NEVER happens unless I’m working) and she really wanted to go.  I must be really good friends with whoever it was because they trusted me to take her.

So we got to the hotel and for some reason we both had crutches? But then I realized I don’t really need them so I left them leaning against the wall by the lobby doors of the hotel. I picked up the little girl (who’s name I don’t remember but I can totally see her face, if I could draw I would draw it. But I can’t draw). And we went inside. I realized then that I’d forgotten my hotel room key in the room. (I did this in my previous dream too… And in my dream I recalled that I’d done that recently/previously). I went to the front desk and there was a strange/busy line up with a lot of men and suitcases and stuff. They let me through though eventually when they noticed I was standing there and they weren’t doing anything except blocking the way.

The girl I got at the front desk was infuriating. I remember being very upset with her but keeping my calm because I had the little girl with me. I said I had forgotten my room key and that I needed my room key. She said okay Can I please have your ID. so I gave her my id, but the first ID card I pulled out was my mom’s ID for some reason, so I put that away and got out my own ID card. The girl was typing and typing and then she goes “oh I see what the problem here is!” And I was like “problem?” and she goes “yeah, you don’t actually have a room here!” and I was like “umm no, I do. I have been here for the last 2 weeks. I’m pretty sure I have a room here” and she goes “nope” and I’m like “um… Pardon me?” and her coworker who noticed my annoyance goes “What seems to be the problem” and I said “I need a new key-card I left mine in my room, and she’s telling me I don’t have a “reservation” here… even though I’ve been here for 2 weeks” and the girl that was helping me goes “yeah, see there’s no reservation for a “Jessica *insert incorrect last name here*” (I can’t remember what the last name was that she was using but it had NOTHING to do with mine. And it wasn’t ANYWHERE on my ID etc.) So I was like “Um, my last name is “C-Y-R” not *insert whatever the wrong one was here*” And she goes “oh, well why didn’t you SAY that?” and I’m like thinking in my head “are you FUCKING kidding me?” but instead I said “um. I gave you my ID, it’s right on my ID “Jessica Mae CYR” and she goes “oh look! It is!” so then she type type types and gives me a key and writes “146″ on it. And I said “um. that’s not my room number” and she goes “yes it is, it says so 146″ and I say “no, again, I’ve been here for awhile now, and I’ve been in room 136, did you move my things?” and she goes “no you’ve always been in 146, see you checked in yesterday” and she shows me the screen and it’s some completely different name, a guy’s name that isn’t even near mine. and I was like “are you kidding? you’re kidding right?” So her coworker again goes “Is there a problem” and I’m like “YES, I just need a room key. My name is Jessica CYR – that girl has my ID, I am in room 136, NOT room 146, I am NOT Jessica *insert whatever last name here* I am NOT *insert dude in 146′s name here*, I have a VERY SICK LITTLE GIRL HERE who just wants to ENJOY some time in my hotel because she’s never really gotten to stay in one, and you’re MAKING THIS VERY DIFFICULT” and the lady goes “oh, dear. there’s no need to shout… room 206 you said?” So I take a deep breath and say “I’d like to speak the the hotel manager please” and the lady goes “no there’s no need for that, we can take care of this here.”  And the little girl I’m holding says “Obviously not.” (LOL high -five little girl!) and I say “right. Manager please” and she goes “oh well. I don’t think that’s necessary” and just as I’m about to grab my stuff and just walk behind the desk and into the managers office, the manager comes out and goes “is there something wrong here” and both the women at the counter go “no sir, nothing’s wrong, everything is GREAT!” and I’m like “NO. There IS something wrong, Everything Is NOT great.” so I explain my situation (calmly) to the manager who gets me a new key (for MY room) and apologizes profusely and ensures that whatever we want over the weekend will be free of charge.

We get to my room. It’s still the double room with 2 beds, so I set her up in the other area with her own bed and her own TV and she askes “can I watch TV? Can I watch whatever I want?! Can I have the remote!” so I let her do that.

I remember falling asleep cuddling her and being really happy.But also really sad because I knew she didn’t have long.

I took her to her parents at a mall type place the following day and she went on an on and on about how much fun she had and all the things we did and her parents thanked me for taking her. And I thanked them for allowing me to take her. And then they left and I was really sad.

Then I met a friend at like a pub, and the bar tender/server was flirting with me but I didn’t quite catch on until it was too late and we were leaving. But he was russian or something, he had an accent and he was joking around with us and stuff.

Then I woke up.

 

So this dream was less disturbing in that there were no serial killers, but sad because of the little girl. And also strange because the only person I really knew in the dream was Alex… Which is odd.


Sometimes I wish I had a DVR for my dreams…

So I had a very VIVID very GRAPHIC dream last night that left me feeling very anxious/unsettled. I’m not sure where it came from or why I was dreaming it or why it involved the people it did…

So, I was staying in a hotel in Edmonton. It was an older hotel, and it was near a walmart. So I don’t know what hotel it was as I typically stay in fairly new hotels. The hotel was really nice, and had a modern design even though it was old. And it had a cool staircase that went down to the main lobby where the somewhat ornate front desk was.

 

To the Left of the front desk, there was a bank of elevators and hallways leading to guest rooms and fitness/pool facilities. to the Right of the front desk was the restaurant/seating area.

I was staying in a very nice suite with 2 beds. My father was sharing the suite with me for some reason. He was sleeping in the room to the right of the suite. And I was in the main left side suite room with the jacuzzi and the bathroom attached. My father played a very little role in this dream, other than just being there.

My best friend and her coworkers were also there. From what I gather, it was some sort of federal government conference or reason I was there.  Although I’m not sure why my mother wouldn’t have been there? Anyway…

My coworkers John & Alex were sharing a room similar to mine a couple floors up.

The first part of my dream, I was attending some kind of meeting or workshop or something. I was taking notes/learning/joking with John & Alex.  My supervisor wasn’t there. And neither were any of my other coworkers.

I got a call on my work cell phone and had to step out of the room.

I don’t know who was calling me (someone higher-up obviously). Basically the person (male) explained to me that there was a serial killer. He was based in Edmonton but would stalk people and get them from other areas of the province and bring them back to Edmonton and torture them and eventually kill them.

They had found a grave with a few bodies in it and were starting up a file, and they needed me to assist. They had me working from the hotel though because they didn’t want to make it look like something was awry because they weren’t sure at this point if the killer had intel or anything.

** Then I woke up for a bit. I had to pee etc. So I thought – hmm that’s a really fucked up dream…**

This time I’m going through the hallway in the basement of the hotel with John & Alex. We’re looking for something but I’m anxious, so I think we’re doing it on the d/l. I’m not sure what we were looking for but we were being quick and quiet. We came to a dead end so we ended up just going back up.

I got a text msg on my personal phone from Vince, my friends boyfriend, asking me if I’d talked to her recently, because he was worried about her. I said no. He said she was supposed to pick him up and she never showed up. He hadn’t heard from her in 2 days (which would NEVER happen) and so he was trying to contact all her friends to see what was up.

I texted her and sent her a BBM but the BBM came up as not sent and I never got an answer to the text.

It got hazy but I ended up talking to Vince again and piecing together that she may actually be with the killer. I told him to come to Edmonton. He could stay in my room.

The lead investigator on the file and I figured out that the killer had my friend (Kandice) and that they  must have known each other. She must have trusted him. It started to really distress me and stress me out because I know Kandice, so they ended up taking me off the file, and taking me off the workshop and making me stay in edmonton but they wanted me to “Relax” and not stress but I wasn’t allowed to leave because I knew about things and because the person who had Kandice might be someone I know or might come after me.

So I spent my time hanging out with John & alex, and still trying to figure out who had Kandice. John & Alex would give me information when they found it out and then we’d follow up on some things that we could.

*** I woke up again thinking, please don’t let me continue this god-awful dream***

Back to the dream. Vince was there and staying in my room. My father was annoyed and being judgmental. Vince had to sleep in my bed with me, but it was king sized so it didn’t matter.

I had a nose bleed. And I noticed there was green vomit on the floor, a bunch of splotches of it. I couldn’t figure out who’s it was – my dad’s or Vinces.

Vince and I had a conversation about something I cant remember what it was, but it was pretty intense.

It had been 3 days and we still hadn’t heard from Kandice and we still hadn’t heard from the killer other than a couple of tips he called in on himself to mess with us.

I was anxious/scared because it was my friend. Vince was upset, obviously.

The last thing I remember before I woke up was there was an envelope that a bell boy brought to me and the envelope said “look closely, you’ll see” and i opened it and it was a pretty gruesome/horrific picture of a dead body – but I was trying really hard to see past the body.

Then I woke up.

There were more little details to it but I don’t remember them off the time of my head… But yeah. Very creepy.


Smoking is bad… M’kaaaay?

So I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine this evening. He asked me if I speak French… And a memory was triggered, so I thought I’d write about it. :) (Point of Fact: I do speak French.)

So I have this friend, who shall remain nameless because we’re not actually allowed to be friends because well, women are crazy. Anyway… We will call him…. Umm… *ponders*… We’ll call him Anon. So Anon and I are pretty good friends. We’ve known each other for a long, long time. And Anon has a little daughter who had recently started French Immersion, and he wanted to learn French. So I was helping him out a bit and teaching him some things.

So anyway… Anon and I were out for dinner one night, and then I drove him back to his Hotel (he was staying in my town for work.) and he had had a few drinks, so I walked with him back to his hotel room to make sure he got there ok (get your minds out of the gutter). When Anon drinks, he smokes. So he had taken his cigarette package out and decided he was going to read the warning label. He read it aloud in English first. Then he read it aloud in French.

For a point of reference, here’s the label (and no you don’t need to know French to find this amusing…):

So… He’s reading out the French as we’re walking towards the Hotel… Now, the word for “blood” in French is “Sang”… The word for “monkey” in French is “Seinge”…. He pronounced “sang” as “seinge”.

Read the label. Replace “Blood” with “Monkey”.

….

There you go. :) I laughed SO HARD. I was crying, and gasping, and I honestly doubled over in the middle of the parking lot because I couldn’t stop laughing. And he was standing there going “What?” “What?!” … “What?!!” and I’m all “*GASPS* You said… *GASPS* …. You said…. “Cigarettes may cause sexual impotence due to decreased monkey flow to the penis!”

 

Ah yes… Good times.


Oh hey so THAT is what THAT feels like!?

Yeah. I slept again last night. I was skeptical, because I wasn’t overly tired when I took my pill, and then an hour and a half later I still wasn’t really tired, but I decided to lay still for a few minutes and try to sleep. And lo and behold, I fell asleep…. for half an hour. LOL! I woke up a bit disoriented and bolted out of bed and regretted it immediately, because I was a bit dizzy. I regained my bearings and checked the clock. “11:00 pm” What? 11:00? My brain was trying to do the math. “but. I JUST fell asleep, and I’m SO TIRED” the culprit was that I had to pee. Keeping in mind that the only thing I had to drink before that since 7pm was a small 3oz cup of water to take the pills with. So I went pee (story of my life) and stumbled back to bed.

I woke up at 2 ish AM as well. I can’t remember exactly. I know I woke up though. I was DRENCHED in sweat. the bed was soaked too. I seem to recall this happening the night before as well but I don’t 100% remember, and in the morning yesterday I wasn’t drenched in sweat, so I dunno. But yeah, thought it odd, then went back to sleep.

I was having some fairly vivid dreams but again I don’t exactly remember what they were about. One was about Shawn calling. And I think that’s just because I was thinking last night how much I miss hearing his voice. (we don’t talk a whole lot on the phone lately especially because he’s been so busy/stressed).

I woke up at 5am when my alarm went off and scared the living daylights out of me. I think I actually lifted entirely off the bed. (okay, maybe not…).  I could have slept for awhile longer for sure, but had to get up at 5 this morning because Mom is driving me to work and I needed the extra time to get ready because she leaves fairly early usually.

I was drenched in sweat again when I woke up. that must be a side-effect. How attractive. Either that or I’m fighting something right now, which isn’t surprising considering my mother has a cold right now and my body is probably like “No. I will not be catching that, but thanks anyway….”

So there you have it.

I haven’t been keeping up entirely with my 5 Things , but I wrote 5 this morning for some thankfulness on a Monday Morning. Another thing I’m thankful for? That it’s a short week for me this week. (It’s my Friday off!)


Day 3 – not exciting…

I took my pill last night around 11:20 ish. I had some food with it and watched some tv/surfed the internet a bit. I decided to go to sleep around 12:30, I probably fell asleep around 12:45ish.

I slept until 5:22 am straight. So that was good. That’s about 4.5 ish hours. Straight, which rarely happens. But I was awake. I couldn’t fall back asleep. Which was annoying because I was hoping to sleep a bit longer than that. But I felt rested, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain.

I had some really realistic dreams, and unfortunately I don’t remember what they were. I should have written them down right away when I woke up, but I do remember they were fairly realistic and nothing bad happened, so that’s good! haha.

 

In other news, I have no other news. I’m pretty boring lately, which isn’t bad. I briefly considered going for a walk this morning when I couldn’t sleep. But I decided that was too much for today – and I don’t have my ipod (it’s at work) so we’ll see. Baby steps. Instead I made myself a (somewhat) healthy breakfast and ate it in bed to have a nice luxurious Sunday morning. Now I’m watching Intervention Canada and relaxing. I think I deserve to relax every  now and then…

 


Sweet Dreams…

Night 2 of taking my pill.

I had a pretty good day yesterday… After work I met up with a friend for a couple of beers as it was his birthday. Then went to a friends house for a visit because I hadn’t seen them in ages! :) It was so nice to see them – I miss them, I used to see them ALL the time.

As I was driving home my tummy started to hurt a bit, and I wasn’t feeling super great by the time I got home, but I had taken out ingredients before I left  (to thaw) so I decided I’d make soup anyway. So I made some delicious hamburger soup.

I was pondering NOT taking my ‘sleeping pill’ last night because of how I was already feeling, but then I remembered the doctor said I have to take it EVERY day and I figured skipping it already on day 2 probably wasn’t a wise choice. I also had a flash back to what the pharmacist told me “if you get nauseous, take it with food”. Right. Food. I forgot about that. So I decided to have a cup of my soup and take my pill.

I was watching TV and fell asleep, so when I woke up an hour or so later I turned off the TV and went to the bathroom and came back to bed.

I woke up about 2 hours later at 3:30 am and got up – slowly – and went to the bathroom again (god I pee a lot!) Then laid down in bed and I had the worst cramps EVER. *TMI* like period cramps, but I’m not on my period. But I felt like what it must feel like to be in labor. Not that I know what that feels like, but yeah. It was brutal. My stomach was ok, but those cramps were awful. So I took an advil and went back to bed. The advil took about 20 minutes to kick-in.

I woke up again at 8:30 am. I was having a strange dream – but I don’t remember what it was about. I meant to write it down, because I meant to stay awake at that point, but then I was thinking about some stuff and ended up falling asleep again.

I had 3 bizarre dreams, and I’m not sure if they were all inter-connected or not.

1) I was in a town (not vegas, but not calgary) with Kim, Paula, and Kim S and we were at a condo with a bunch of guys (one of them was Kim S’s brother). So Kim S’s brother and I went to get groceries, and I whipped up dinner for everyone. I had somewhere to go though, so I cooked dinner and left it there and ran off. I don’t know where I went, but it flashed to me coming back and Kim was all sad because her steak was under-cooked (but I had made one well-done for her and thought I’d given her the right one) But everyone else was all raving about my cooking and the guys were being typical guys.

2) we were still in the same place, and we had a singing audition, and so Kim and I were wandering around making our way to the audition, and I got pulled aside by some circus type guy who put me on this “Ride” thing that was a plane, but like on a zip line, so I eneded up way at the other end. I waited for kim to get there and then we had to stand in line to return the plane (which ended up being inflateable) and while in line this little tiny woman kept running into me and trying to hurt me. And I was like “WTF?” And she was like “you’re my competition and I hate you” so she kept like kicking the backs of my knees and stuff. So I wacked her on the head but she passed out. So I picked her up, kim and I left the inflateable plane there, and we went to the place where our audition was. And I left the little tiny woman in a bathroom, and poked her a few times to wake her up, she came to but she was really out of it. So we left her there.
I sang Drive-By, by Train (Not sure why) and there was like theatrics and stuff and I  made it through to the next round. And Kim sang a Celine Dion song, but the dream ended before I know how she did.

3) I was in Vegas for a convention of some sort, but my parents were there too so we just all got a basic suite and shared it. My coworker Shannon and her husband were there and so was my coworker Sharon. My parents and I were staying at the Excalibur for some reason while everyone else was at NY NY and the Luxor. So I had come back from a conference and was heading up to the room and my mom and I were just talking and I was like “yeah I still need to book my flights to come back here” and so on and so forth. And she goes “Well I’m going to give you some money and hopefully that will help you” and I was like “what mom? no you don’t have to do that” and she was like “no really I won the jackpot today on a slot machine, and I have lots.” So I was like “What? how much did you win?” She’s like I don’t really know. It was all a blur. But I have like 500,000 I think here” but it was odd because it was in chips and mastercards.But yeah she ended up having like 5 or 6 hundred thousand but she’d won a million (they take some for taxes) so I had to explain the tax procedure to her and what she had to do and that I ‘d talk to Shannon and see what her accountant does and in a year she gets the rest of the million. I said “why aren’t you in like a luxury condo?” and she said because she didn’t want my father to know how much she won so the excalibur is just going to comp this room and she’ll just tell him she won a couple thousand. LOL

So she gave me a Mastercard worth 10K and said she’d pay off what I owe to her and my father – but tell my father I was still paying on it. And then she said she would pay off my car too so that I was free and clear of that.

I said “awesome thanks mom you really don’t have to do this. but this is great now I just need to get cash for gambling and tips and stuff and august will be great” And she said “oh the MC won’t work?” and I said “yeah but it’s like $14 to take money off of it after all the bank fees and stuff but i’ll just take it out of my bank account” and she said no no and gave me $3K in chips to cash in. I said no mom I only need like 3 hundred, and she said “I know, but take it”

Then she told me she was going to pay off the house and the trailer with the rest of it and not tell my dad. And then she was just going to put their  mortgage and loan and other payments into savings for their retirements and when the other money came back next year she was going to put that into savings and then when my dad retired she’d tell him and they’d both retire and be finanically okay with their pensions and that savings.

So I was going online to book my tickets to go to Veags in August, and I woke up. LOL

So I slept about 11 hours overall last night. from about 12-12 but I was awake for about an hour with those cramps. And now I should probably get out of bed and go do something productive considering it’s almost 1pm…


Dreams Edition 1

So, I went to the doctor yesterday because my insomnia, which has been plaguing me for a long, long time, finally got to me…. So we chatted and he asked me a bunch of questions, and he gave me some pills to try.

The pills he gave me I have to take daily, they’re not marketed as a sleep aid, they’re actually an anti-depressant that is used as a sleep aid because of the side-effects. It’s used to treat Insomnia and anxiety as well. So after reading about it, I decided that it’s probably for the best considering I have stress & anxiety and Insomnia.

I read online about it, and the dosages, and was a bit alarmed at my dose. The doctor did tell me when he gave it to me WHY it was so high though. And I trust my doctor because he doesn’t like to give me ANY pills usually, and when he does, it’s usually the lowest dose he would deem effective. (Pain killers, Ativan, etc… in the past.) So I assume he gave me that dose for a REASON. He said normally people would start on a lower dose “but after talking to you, I doubt that low dose would be effective.” But online they said the usual dose for insomnia is 25-50 mg. And my dose is 100 mg. Shawn joked that if that didn’t knock me out something was wrong haha.

I wasn’t expecting them to work right away and while talking with Shawn, I jokingly said I should start a dream blog if they cause vivid dreams.  I’m not starting a dream blog, but I figured I’d blog about my dreams and about my road to getting a better sleep, because much like getting in the habit of good eating, I’m pretty sure it helps to write things down with sleep.

Last night I took my pill at about 9:10 pm. The doc told me to take it about an hour before I was planning to sleep and to make sure I give myself 8 hours. So I set my alarm for 6am and figured that’d be fine.

I noticed about 20 minutes after I took the pill that I was feeling a bit “Drunk”. Not tired, but a bit groggy, and light-headed.  At 10pm I decided it was time to sleep, so I laid down and it didn’t take me long to fall asleep, probably 5-10 minutes, which is a lot faster than usual. So that was promising.

Wake up 1: I was very disoriented. I fumbled around and pressed my phone home button so I could see what time it was, and it was only 11:00 pm! What? That can’t be right. But I had to pee REALLY bad. So I stumbled off to the bathroom to pee thinking the entire time “I need to stop drinking liquids at at least 7pm from now on… ”

Went back to bed, tossed and turned a bit thinking “oh great!” and that’s the last thing I remember really…

Wake up 2: 1 am… okay, not bad. 1 am. That’s 2 hours. Pee again. Went pee. Fell asleep immediately.

Wake up 3: 2:12 am. Seriously? 2:12. And I was like dying to pee. Seriously?! WTF? so I went pee. Then I realized I was THIRSTY. Like. NEED LIQUID NOW. So I stumbeled into the storage room and drank some apple juice straight out of the box (I was finishing it, don’t judge me.) And realized at that moment that if I didn’t finish my juice and get to bed like, NOW, I was going to vomit. My whole body was shaking and I broke out into a cold sweat. *Deep breath* *deep Breath* Step *Deep breath* Step… I made it to my bed, fell into bed and laid there, uncovered, HOT, wanting to heave, in a cold sweat thinking ‘please don’t puke. please don’t puke. my doctor is trying to kill me. please don’t puke. i hate puking. please don’t puke. was it something i ate? i don’t want to die like this….” at some point I scooted up and covered myself because the cold sweat was making me cold (go figure)… I fell asleep THANK GOD, and did not throw up, THANK GOD.

Wake up 4: 4:10 am… opened my eyes, checked the time and then surveyed how I was feeling. Sleepy. VERY sleepy. And it’s like when you wake up after a night of heavy drinking and you’re pretty sure that as long as you stay laying down you won’t puke and things won’t be so bad. So you just stay where you are. That’s what I did. I stayed where I was. Fell back asleep again.

Wake up 5: 6:00 am my alarm was going off. I was having the most BIZARRE dream.  I was babysitting someone’s kid and they were being a little shit head. But I couldn’t make them stop being a shit head because thier mother was there and she was a bitch. But I had to babysit because that was my job? (I think). Then Kim, Sandy, Amber, Kim S, and Paula and I went out for lunch and then they were like “ooo we’re going tanning!” So we went to this like flea-market type place and they had a bunch of beds and matresses set up outside, so they were like a “Mattress Mattress” type store, but set up outside and they were in the mattress selling business, but on the side, they had a tanning business and they were charging people $11 to lay on the mattress in the sun for an hour. So we all paid our $11 and laid on the mattresses. Then we went for a walk and had to climb like 8 million stairs, which was fine, I was totally ok with it (this is how I KNOW it was a dream) and I’m walking up the stairs and this teenage girl like shoves into me and shoves me to the side and goes passed me. And I was like “What the fuck?” And then I ended up passing her because she was standing there texting and then she did the same thing AGAIN so finally I got pissed off and caught up to her and her friends and did the same thing to her while asking her if she was enjoying me pretending she wasn’t even there and smashing into her. (I was really annoyed lol!)

That’s when my alarm went off.

So I assessed the situation. Gave myself 5 minutes to just lay there and figure out how I felt. I got up slowly and felt ok. (I think the vomit incident was because I was moving around way too quickly… I read that that happens and the best way to make that side-effect better is to just do things slowly and carefully). I got up and had a shower and got ready, and overall I feel pretty okay.

So there you go.  Night 1 – Well… I dunno, I guess good?

Things I learned: Drink nothing after 7pm (or at least three hours before planned bedtime). Keep water by the bed.