The One Where I Get Older Again

I’ve been reading this really awesome book and it’s been making me want to blog again. Or write a book. I can’t figure out which. Either way, here I am.

Yesterday (April 9) I turned 35. Thirty-Five years old. That’s a lot many. Like a whole hand many, times 7. (That’s how you explain that to an 8 year old.)

There are so many things I want to blog about right now:

- My Childhood

- Eating Disorders

- Infertility

- Work-Related Stuff

- General stuff, in general.

- Things

- Stuff.

It’s such a great list right? I’ll probably add things to it like

- Why being a grown up is bullshit.

- “on being fat”

- How to offend 8 people at once.

you know, things like that.

Anyway… I turned 35 yesterday and it was nice and low-key. My boyfriend (who I hate calling that because I’m 35 years old. And I feel like I should not have a “boyfriend”) took me for Lunch and for dinner. He bought me flowers and a minion balloon to “make them more birthday-y” … “And because you like minions”. (Fair.)  He also e-mail money transfered me $150 to help pay for a new windshield, because he’s super romantic like that. ;) (If you’re young and you’re reading this – make a mental note to come back and read this again when you’re 35 and you’ll feel totally dumb for thinking that was anything BUT super romantic. I’m just saying.)

Things I would like to tell my 16-18  year old self:


For fucks sake, just listen to me here. Listen Jessica, Listen… (this will be funny in a decade when you watch a youtube video of a fat toddler telling his mother Linda to just listen…).

You are no cool. You will never be cool. When people refer to you as cool, it’s because they’re being nice. BUT THAT IS OKAY. Seriously, you don’t need to be cool. Cool people are overrated (sorry to my friends who are cool. I love you You’re not overrated) (but they are.). You are amazing though. Seriously. You’re only 16-18 but you’ve been through A LOT of shit. And you’ve seen a lot of cool things that most grown 80 year olds haven’t seen. You have lived in 3 different countries! You will work in another country! You know 2 languages fluently and you’re good at picking up languages and accents when you need to. You have amazing stories already and you’ll collect so many more amazing stories that when you’re 35 you’ll think “I want to write a book but I have too many badass stories and I’m to lazy to organize them so maybe I’ll write a book tomorrow instead” and you’ll close your laptop and take a nap. (It’s true. your future self naps.)

Life is hard. high school sets the bar low though. So you can look back and high school and look at whatever shitty situation you just went through and you can say “huh, well that wasn’t THAT bad… ”

You’ll have a job that damages you. You’ll have so many other jobs that don’t and that are awesome. You’ll meet some GIGANTIC DOUCHEBAGS.  You will also meet some EXTREMELY AMAZING PEOPLE you never thought you’d connect with in a million years.

You will marry someonse because you think you can’t do better than him. And it’s not that he’s the worst person in the world, he’s not, but he’ll think you are – for sure, because you’re the one to finally figure out that this was a very bad idea. But you’ll figure out later on that you were acutally meant to be with the guy you’re dating now. I’m 99.999999% sure we’re not wrong this time. I know we thought that with the last guy we were engaged to (but don’t worry he’s awesome and you’re still friends even though when you break up you think you won’t be able to breathe without him.), but we were wrong and this time I’m sure we’re not. This guy is perfect. And even when you’re INSANE. Like – certifiable and in the full throes of an anxiety attack and you’re acting like a lunatic, he looks at you like you’re the most perfect creature on the planet and he hugs you and tells you he loves you and you’re not crazy.  (Even though we know you are.)

You will try new things and love them. You will avoid new things and wish you hand’t. You will do stupid stuff and you will do smart stuff and you will eventually learn to laugh and to let go and to love spending time alone. You still hate being alone, but you’ll get used to going to places alone when you travel.

You prefer men always, but you will make some amazing female friends who make you rethink your stance on “bitches be crazy”

Things will get worse. And then they’ll get better.

I have more to say but it’s bedtime and I need to put laundry away.

This is what happens when you’re old.

Love You.

p.s. You’ll fart when you cough. beware.

p.p.s. you’ll have to worry about chin-hair. You can thank mom for that.

p.p.p.s. your bladder will leak but that’s because of your stupid piece of shit uterus and they fix that when you finally convince them to remove it. So don’t worry you won’t be pissing yourself constanly for long. Just like, 6 months, tops.


Love you <3

The mind of Jessica – 25 minutes on the Elliptical trainer.

So I’m back at it. And I had an appointment today with Staci my personal trainer. And I’m feeling motivated so I thought I’d go to the gym a bit early. Also I was really annoyed because the cleaners came at like 3:50 and gave me heart failure because I didn’t realize they were coming today, and this BIG BURLY tattooed man unlocked our door and came in and I swear if I owned a gun I probably would have shot him out of fear. But turns out he was just part of our Cleaner’s team. Anyway. So I went to the gym a bit early to do some cardio before Staci tried to kill me…

If you ever wondered what goes through my brain on the elliptical, here it is:

Get on the Elliptical
Put iPod on, find a good song
Program Elliptical for Random Hill Level 9
Ellipt (yes I made that up)
Look at clock. 1.00 minutes have elapsed.
The song is pumping me up. Ok Jessica. You can do this. This is awesome. Think of how great you’ll feel after this. Think of how awesome you’ll look eventually. Hey look at you go. Oh yeah. Woo hoo! Burning calories. Yeah bitches.
Look at the clock thinking surely 10 minutes has passed by now.
Wait. What? that can’t be right? I’ve been ellipting for at least 10 minutes. Seriously? This thing must be broken. It’s broken. I’m sure it’s broken. It can’t be right. Oh well. Who cares. Keep going. You can do it. FEEL THE BURN. It’s great. Working out is good for you. You love it. Keep it up. You’re doing a really good job. OOOO I LOVE THIS SONG. *Turns up ipod*. I wonder if I could dance and ellipt at the same time. I probably shouldn’t try that. I’ll probably hurt myself. Nah. I won’t hurt myself. Yes. Yes I will. No I won’t try to dance and Ellipt. I’m thirsty. *drinks water with minimal spillage while maintaining pace* Ok. NOW it must be like 30 minutes that I’ve been on this thing. It MUST be. I’m sweating like a pig. This is gross. I don’t SWEAT. Look at the clock.


REALLY? Oh hey that girl has been climbing those stairs for a long time. Why the hell would anyone pay money to come climb that awful machine. Maybe because there’s a TV at the top of it? I don’t get it. They’re HUGE stairs, and it moves, and people always look like they’re DYING and HATE it when they’re on it. It makes LESS sense to me than running does. Seriously. Running at least can serve a purpose at some point. For instance if a huge scary animal is chasing you, or you’ve pissed someone off and they can’t run as fast as you, or in the zombie apocalypse, but stair climbing? I dunno. I’m not convinced it’s sensible. Surely now it must be time for my appointment…

SERIOUSLY?! You’re kidding. This is dumb. Also, is that guy gay? I’m sure he’s gay. He’s a nice looking guy – in a I’m not attracted to you but I Can appreciate that you look nice way. I wonder what his name is? He’s ALWAYS here. Like every time I come here (which isn’t often lately but seriously it was a lot before) he was here. Didn’t matter what time I was here or what day. He’s always here. Does he live here? I wonder if he’s the “man” in his relationship? He must be strong. I’ve only ever seen him do weights. But he’s little. I think he’s shorter than I am. He’s not a big BEEFCAKE guy. I bet he runs. Yeah he must run. I’m going to look over there now. OH MY GOD WHY THE HELL DID YOU LOOK OVER THERE. Great. Now I have to process this. That guy has skinny legs. Holy crap. And oh, tattoos. OH a very brightly colored tatoo on his outer upper thigh? That’s kind of odd, it’s a nice tattoo – I think, I can’t see it in detail, but I feel it’s kind of… feminine? I wonder if he has a girlfriend? He seems straight but that tattoo, not so much. Oh. My. God. Those shorts. He’s wearing… omg. He’s wearing hot pants. tiny black hot pants. I guess some people like to work out in their underwear? Interesting. He kind of reminds me of the “SaskatchatOOOOOOn” guy from Grown Ups. Hmm. I’ll watch him for awhile. Wow. He’s pretty strong. That tattoo and those short shorts are very distracting. I’m not sure what I’m looking at. My brain is still trying to process all of this.  Oh, there’s Staci, surely it hasn’t been 25 minutes already… Looks at the clock


Consequences – Actions have them!


[kon-si-kwens, -kwuhns] Show IPA


1. the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier: The accident was the consequence of reckless driving.
2. an act or instance of following something as an effect, result, or outcome.
3. the conclusion reached by a line of reasoning; inference.
I attempted to post about this in a Facebook status, but I just didn’t have enough room, and twitter is extremely limited, but I’m pretty sure I got my point across, at least to the one intelligent person in the conversation.
Earlier this morning, @mackenziejea tweeted to @crackmacks the following:
“@crackmacs someone got shot/killed outside crack macs last night and got away on foot”
So I replied to it – because, well read it!
“@crackmacs @mackenziejea the killer got away on foot or the dead guy?”
I’ll give you the play-by-play on twitter and then I’ll go int o my rant about this:
@crackmacs t0 @mackenziejea & I “I’d be awfully impressed if the dead one got away on foot. Even more impressed if they rode a bike”
Me to them: “that’d be “the walking dead: Calgary” id be down with watching that”
@mackenziejea to myself & @crackmacs “you’re talking about someone who had a family who just passed away. talk about no respect you fucking losers.”
Me to @mackenziejea & @crackmacs “did the whole family pass away?”
@mackenziejea to me: “get some respect. This person was someone family, and they’re now gone.”
Crackmacs to mackenziejea & myself “more the fact that we are looking for the levity in a grammatical error. it’s been a bad 24 hours. Lighten up.”
Me to crackmacs & mackenziejea: “exactly. read what you wrote”.
Me to @mackenziejea: “learn to properly speak English” (this was in response to their comment directed at me getting some respect)
Me to @mackenziejea & cracmacs: “was this person an innocent bystander? Or was it targeted? People need to understand that actions have consequences. If you are a drug dealer, or you are involved in gang/criminal activities death is one of those consequences. Yes the waste of a life is sad. But their actions led them to that.”
@mackenziejea to crackmacs & I “nobody deserves to be killed no matter what they’ve done in their life.”
Me to @mackenziejea & @crackmacs “actions have consequences. I didn’t say they deserve to die, but death is a consequence of those actions.”
Me to @mackenziejea & @crackmacs “”
So there you have it… the entire conversation.
Note: @mackenziejea has since deleted the majority of his/her posts to @crackmacs & I. (Which is kind of a lame thing to do, IMO. If you’re going to call someone a “fucking loser” for not respecting a dead person (family?) you should stand by your convictions…)
Anyway. My point… yes I have one.
Consequences. This seems to be something that the younger generations these days do not understand. Mine included. And I’m not super young. I’m 32. But we seem to be a consequence-free society lately. And it’s aggravating. What are we teaching our children?
I’m still unsure of whether that person who was shot was an innocent bystander, or whether the attack was targeted. And regardless of that, it is a sad thing when someone gets shot. It’s a waste of a life. It is heartbreaking for this person’s loved ones. I’m not trying to detract from that. All I am saying is that IF this person was involved in criminal activity, yes it’s sad that they died, but that is a consequence of their actions.
I wasn’t making fun of the fact that the person died. I was simply making light of a grammatical error that @mackenziejea made. It sounded like the dead person got away. It could have been left at that, but then they called me a “fucking loser” so I continued on. Actions. Consequences. If I were the one making those errors, I can guarantee you someone would be making light of them to me as well. And sometimes I do make those errors. Over. And over. And over.  And when that happens, I quit the internet for that day because obviously I’ve had enough.
And now I’m off to visit my friend Doug’s garage sale. Have a great day all. And remember, Actions have consequences.

Winston Kitty

Today was a very hard day for me..
I’ve been a part of losing the family pet a few times. The first time was with Cody, my best friend’s family dog. He was a big black lab/newfie cross and he was a really cool dog. I remember when he got sick and we all piled into the car (it was never a question that I’d go too) and we went to the vet and waiting for testing. And then the decision was made. And it was terribly sad.

A couple weeks after that we had to put down our family dog. My childhood dog. Spikey, we’d had him since I was 10. It was so hard!

Later, in 2010 our family dog Beau, died of cancer. That one was the hardest on my mom. And now I fully understand why. I mean, I always understood, but now I get it entirely.

And not long ago in late 2012 we said goodbye to Peaches.

So it’s not like I have no experience in the loss of a pet. However, I did not have experience with losing a pet that was my pet. I mean he was shared with Tim (when Tim was there) and he was a part of the family. But he was MY cat. We went to the humane society and *I* picked him. He was attached to me, and loved me unconditionally – even though cats are very conditional. He was my sweet boy. I didn’t have experience needing to be the person who made the decision. Who was in power of this tiny little sweet life.

Winston was an oddball. A goof. He was timid and shy and nervous around people he didn’t know. But once he warmed up to you, he was fine. He loved to play fetch with his stuffed fish. And he loved LOVED loved pipe cleaners. He loved people food. All of it. He ate asparagus, spinach, all kids of meat, cheese, veggies, nuts, candy, etc… He’d eat whatever he could find as long as it was food. I remember once he and Austin found an advil on the ground and they both played with it like it was the coolest toy they’d ever found. I’m surprised he didn’t eat it! I of course picked it up haha. But yeah…

He was loving. And Caring. And intuitive. He knew when I was sad, or when I was in pain. He loved sitting on my lap or my back or my shoulders. He loved being close. He gave headbutts and kisses. And he would always tell me about his day. He was a chatty little boy.

He was a big cat. 16.5 pounds. But he was dainty and sweet. And he was a gorgeous cat. I don’t know anyone that met him and didn’t say he was beautiful. He had chubby little cheeks because he didn’t get neutered till he was 2.

He had crossed eyes and would sometimes have a hard time focusing.  He wasn’t always the brightest crayon in the box, but he was beautiful, so it was okay.

He was only 7.5. Too young. I always expected Austin to get sick first. I was worried Austin would die first, and Winston would be lost. He didn’t do well as an only cat.

I’m starting to get worked up so I’ll end this now. But thank you to Vets to Go, Pet Heaven, and ALL my wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive to me right now.

I love you Winston, I’m glad you didn’t suffer too long, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there right away. You’re a good, good boy.


Under Construction!


Oh hi there!

So it’s been awhile, and for that I apologize.

So I’m down 11 pounds total now. And I’m not sure how many inches, to be honest, I’ll have to re measure not this weigh-in but next (I’ll get my trainer to  do it for me…. this way it will be more accurate.)

So I feel like I’m slacking though. I could have lost way more weight but I just kind of fell off the bandwagon really early on – like I typically do, and then I’ve gotten back on but I’m kind of sitting on it dangling my feet.

I know I could eat healthier – and I’m going to make a conscious effort to do that. But it’s finding a balance of me eating really healthy – and having things I like as well, vs. me just not giving a shit. Tracking my food at was really helping me with that. I just need to get back into that habit again. Oh how easily we fall out of things hey?

The gym – I have been going approx 3 times a week which is better than 0 times a week but I would like to kick that back up to 5-6 times again as well. At least until it’s really nice out. Then I’ll do 3x at the gym and 3x outside walking/being active/biking.

A lot of you have been asking me what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. So I’ve decided I’m going to post some new workouts every week here. Maybe issue a challenge or even just have you all kind of message me on Facebook or via e-mail (if you don’t have my e-mail ask me for it.) and let me know how you’re doing. Or e-mail or message me some encouragement. I just need the extra accountability.

I have some extra accountability now that I have a personal trainer so that’s good. And now I have a goal too. I didn’t really have a “Goal” necessarily. I mean I had some “pounds” goals. For instance I think I’m about 3 pounds away from one of them. (I’ll have to double check.)… And I have some rewards set for those goals. For instance when I lose my first 50, I’m going to get the tattoo I want. But now I have a physical goal. I bought a dress. A VERY pretty dress. Here’s what it looks like on someone who is hot:

So Pretty..

So yeah. I bought this dress. in an XL which is more like a regular person’s L because this dress “fits small”… So this is my goal. To fit into it. And XL is not an unrealistic size to fit into. So there’s my goal. I will post pictures. As soon as I can half squeeze into it I’ll start taking progress pictures. Also, the dress was on sale for 40% off so I HAD to buy it. And they didn’t have the one bigger size (Which is sad because that would have been easier to achieve) so this gives me something to WORK MY ASS OFF FOR. (well.. more my torso than my ass… but you get the point.)

So anyway… Here’s the workout I was doing last week: (Keep in mind that I have knee problems so I don’t treadmill… some of my exercises are modded for my knee)

20 minutes on the Elliptical trainer at Level 9 – Random Hill

followed by:
3 x 10 Bicep Curls @ 10 lbs (dumbell free weights)
3×10 Shoulder Presses @ 10 lbs (dumbell free weights)
3 x 10 Combo Bicep Curl/Shoulder Press (all in one motion) @ 10 lbs (Dumbell free weights)

3 sets of 10 step-up’s on each side (So 20 in total per set) on the aerobic step with 4 risesrs
3 x 10 Leg Extensions on each side (So 20 in total per set)
3 x 10 push ups
6 x 20 crunches

I’ll try to come on here once a week and post new ones — I might need gentle reminders!

And when I get some meal plans figured out I’ll post them over on my food blog for you all! But right now it’s hard enough figuring out my own stuff.

Otherwise life is trudging along. I can’t believe it’s already mid-march. Work is still work… Nothing really to say about that. I’ve been home a lot more, which is nice, but it sucks because I am not getting the extra money I got when I was traveling more. So I have no money to go out and be sociable. Oh well you win some you lose some I guess… I’ll just have to start spending more time at the gym haha.

I have no concrete vacations/travel plans coming up. I’m planning a trip out to Sundre with my friend potentially in the summer, and obviously the odd weekend and stuff up there because I do that in the summer. And then probably a trip out to San Francisco at some point – because… And I don’t know I guess we’ll see what the year brings!!

Next April (2014) I will be attending (in the party?) my friend’s wedding in Vegas so I’ll be celebrating turning 33 in VEGAS BABY. Woot woot! Further plans to come later. Gotta get through 32 first haha.

And my final thought? I’m hoping that by this time next year I will be down about 90 pounds. I’m setting it out so that I lose just under 10 pounds per month. So I’m thinking that is do-able if I set my mind to it. Here’s hoping!



Week 3 – Complete!

Alrighty…  Since January 6, 2013 I have lost 7.5 pounds. I’m okay with that. I’d prefer it if was more, but I think I’m doing pretty good! I am 8.8 pounds away from my first goal weight.

I’m really proud of myself. Out of the last 21 days, I have worked out 18 days. I’ve either gone to GoodLife here in Airdrie, or I’ve worked out in the fitness room at whatever hotel I’m staying in.

I’m finding it a bit challenging balancing my time though. But it’ll work itself out.

This week should not be an issue at all, it’s next week that I’m worried about. February 4-10. This will be a challenge for me. If I lose weight that week I will be SO SURPRISED but I will make time to work out and hopefully that helps/makes a difference…

So earlier this week… I think it was Wednesday, I showed up at the gym ready to work out with Kim, and she comes rushing over to where I am and was like “ohhi!guesswhatwehaveafreepersonaltrainingsession!” I was my usually self. *blink* “ummm… okay….” I guess her dad spent a lot of money on personal training so his trainer was like “lets go free session RIGHT NOW” and he said “oh but my daughter is here” and she said “that’s ok she can come to” so Kim said “Oh but my friend is here” and she said “oh that’s ok she can come too”.

That 1/2 hour session, in which I’m positive we did hardly anything, I sweat more than I do in my 1.5 hour work outs usually. Holy. Shitballs. Seriously. And we weren’t doing anything special. But honestly I started pouring sweat (which is still new to me, and it grosses me out so much) in like 30 seconds. Way to make me feel inadequate gym lady! haha. I kid. But seriously. It was awesome – in a horrible way. We did curls. And then we did tricep thingies over our head, and we did pushups (good god) and we did these things where we had to like, get in a pushup type position on an aerobics step and raise our knees to our chest one at a time kind of like we’re running. We looked like fools, and we were laughing which made it harder. But yeah. I am still sore from that. And it’s been 4 days. haha.  We did squats and other fun things. So yeah. Good times.

Oh yeah, I cancelled my Weight Watchers membership. I got my FitBit in the mail on … Wednesday I think, and it tracks your calories/fat/carbs/protein etc and tracks your weight and activity and makes the necessary adjustments based on what you ate, how active you’ve been and how you’re buring the calories (time of day etc.) . Fitbit syncs with MyFitnessPal, so I log my food & activity at MFP and it syncs with my fitbit! If you are interested in fitness or losing weight and you HAVEN’T checked out MyFitnessPal, you totally should. It’s free, and AWESOME.  So yes. I don’t want to be tracking my food & Activities in 2 places and it just makes more sense to use the fitbit for that – since I’m using it for everything else. And also makes more sense to go with the one that’s not costing me any money…

Alright well this was a boring blog update. I had more funny witty things to say but I can’t remember what they were…

Next time I guess. ;)

Here’s to me!

I’ve been wanting to update now for over a week – and I’ve sat down to do it at least 3 or 4 times, but things kept getting in the way – like funny pictures of cats, youtube videos, or work… fucking work – always getting in the way!

So if you read my last post, you’ll know that just before New Years I decided to make some changes in my life. Well, little did I know I was going to make some even bigger changes! Holy cow. Something happened. A switch flipped? I don’t even know what. My plan was to walk a bit every day – continue my normal lifestyle but just get a bit more activity, eat a bit better, not put salt on stuff, you know? But now… Holy shit, dude.

Like I said. A switch just… flipped. I decided to start following Weight Watchers. I had signed up in October when my friend Holly was telling me about it. And I was going to cancel my membership, because even though they have a snazzy app, I still wasn’t using it. Then I found out my best friend and her boyfriend were also following WW, and I thought, you know what, I should give it another shot.

I also decided to work out. And not just half-ass it. I go for walks – outside – when I can, but I’ve also made a point to go to the gym 6 days a week. Yes that’s right. And yes, it’s only been 2 weeks – but it’s been a FANTASTIC 2 weeks and I feel good about it. And I’ve never actually stuck to anything like this. I’ve never gone this much. Ever. So… I’m proud of myself. It really helps that Kim & Trevor & Marcia all have memberships at my gym – but I’ll go alone too if I need to. (I haven’t gone with Marcia yet. I’ll have to remedy that.)  I went to the fitness room at my hotel when I had to travel for work. Basically, I’ve stopped making excuses.  I wanted to stay at home and eat ice cream and drink wine – but I went to the gym instead.

But what I really want to talk about is how encouraging and AWESOME my friends are. Yes, YOU GUYS ROCK! Seriously! The amount of encouragement and positive reinforcement that I’ve been getting is overwhelming.  And it’s insane (to me) the amount of texts I’ve been randomly getting – or pm’s, or e-mails, or phone calls or whatever saying “all your working out is inspiring me to get off my ass and do something too”. Yay! I mean, I don’t see how little old me (well – I’m not little) can be inspiring really but hey! Awesome! I’m so happy to hear it.

So like I said. I’ve been following WW online. And it’s going really well. I get a set number of points per day – I can fill them as I please. I also get  a set number of points per week that I am allotted as “extra” points for days I want to “cheat” and what not. I rarely use them. And you get a default of 49 of them – but I have gone in and changed them so they match my daily point allotment. WW also tracks my activity and I earn points for that. So I set an activity points goal per week and I try to meet it or beat it the next week. Also, if I’m ever in a situation where I’d like to really go all out with the eating I could use my activity points and swap them out too. So basically I can eat whatever the hell I want. But this helps me be sensible about it.

I am a member at GoodLife Gym. It used to be Gold’s but it got bought out. So whatever… I usually do between 25-60 minutes of cardio (depending on my mood – I average 45) and then I do either upper body or abs. Alternating. I am not focusing on my legs just yet because it’s my abs and upper body that need the most work – and my legs get a work out doing cardio and carrying my ass around all day ;) .

Oh! And I’m getting a fitbit (Click here), which is EXCITING. My very generous and awesome and supportive friend bought it for me. I am spoiled and so grateful and lucky! I’ve been coveting one since I first learned about them about a year ago – ish? But lately especially. They track everything. SO AWESOME. So I’m very much looking forward to it arriving!

As for my blood pressure, it’s come down a bit in the last 2 weeks. The doctor is giving me another couple months to bring it down without meds. I’m excited about that. I don’t want to give up grapefruit, I love it. (Most BP meds interact with grapefruit.)

I have been going for walks at work with Kim S. when I’m there. It’s been nice too. It’s good to get out and get some fresh air during the day!

I have cut back on caffeine almost entirely! I have it ever now and then but hardly ever. Once a week, maybe?

Anyway. I’ll stop babbling now. But I thought I’d post and say: This is what’s up, and thanks for the support and encouragement!

Almost a New Year…

This isn’t necessarily a new years entry… but since it’s almost the new year who knows…
I could take some time to reflect on the previous year, I guess. 2012 was a fairly good year overall, but it seems jam-packed and full of stuff.
I don’t know if anyone reads this or if you’re interested in a detailed review or not, but if you are lemme know!

Anyway I have some new goals. I don’t want to call them resolutions because I don’t know that that’s what they are … but yeah…

1. My bloodpressure is really high. It’s been high my whole life, but it’s particularly high right lately. So over the next 2 weeks I’m gonna work on bringing it down a bit and then consistently over the next few months.  I don’t want to have a stroke and die! How will I do this?
-  limit my salt. I won’t eliminate it entirely because I LOVE salt and if I deprive myself of it I’ll end up binging, so moderation it is…
- increase my aerobic activity… this will also help reduce stress/anxiety. I really need to make an effort to do this. Gonna put together some good 45 minute playlists on my iPod and make myself go. Plus when it’s -30 I have Wii fit or the gym. But the doc said “walk OUTSIDE is good for you!… except NOT when it is-30″ lol
- I read an article that said 1 drink per day and 1 oz 70% or darker chocolate per day can help lower blood pressure and be heart-healthy… so I figure that will be a nice evening treat.
- limit my caffeine (this is easy)
- do relaxation/deep breathing/yoga type exercises to help de-stress (doc says so)
- drink 2 large glasses of water with each meal (doc says)

I will implement those changes in stages. Not all at once or I just won’t do it, I know myself!

2. I’d like to say “no” more, to things like excessive overtime, or things I really don’t want to do.

3. I’d like to say “yes” more to trying new/different things.

4. I’d like to go places/see things — I did a lot of that this year, I’d like to continue the trend!

5. I’d like to spend more time with people who matter to me and less time with people who don’t as much.

So there you have it. Just like every year I’m sure 2013 will have it’s ups and downs but I’m going to try to make it a good one :) ! How bout you?

What the heck?!

So last night’s dream:

I was staying in the same hotel, but it was either before or after the serial killer thing (see yesterday’s post)… Because there was no sign of it. Also, this time I was alone in my room – and Alex from my work was also staying in the hotel for some reason, but we weren’t working together on something he was up there for something unrelated and played a very minor role in my dream. I just knew that he was there, and I think we’d gone for drinks or dinner one night.

The pool was in the very center of the hotel, and when I looked through the windows of the hallway I could see the pool. It was REALLY big, and quite busy. It also played a very minor role in my dream but it was prominent and I remember looking at it a lot in my dream so I don’t know what that’s about.

I was out with friends, and they were close friends in my dream – but I don’t know who they were (in my life). They were a couple – a man and a woman who had approx 3 children (maybe more, not less). One of the children was about 7 years old and was terminally ill. I was visiting her at her house.

She was talking to me about how she wasn’t afraid to die, and that it was okay because she got to live to be 7 and to meet the people she was supposed to meet and to be able to know that they love her and have them know that she loves them back, because she see’s some kids at the hospital where she goes that can’t even communicate with their parents and she thinks that must be really sad.

She told me that she wished that her family could be happy and have fun around her though – instead of being sad all the time, and that she really hated seeing them all so sad. They should save being sad for when she’s actually gone, and not now because she’s still here and she can still laugh and play and have fun.

She was 7, but she was tiny, like a 3 year old at best.

She found out I was staying at whatever hotel it was I was at (I still don’t know what hotel it was) and she begged her mom & dad to let her go with me because it was the weekend (I had to stay on the weekend for some reason , which NEVER happens unless I’m working) and she really wanted to go.  I must be really good friends with whoever it was because they trusted me to take her.

So we got to the hotel and for some reason we both had crutches? But then I realized I don’t really need them so I left them leaning against the wall by the lobby doors of the hotel. I picked up the little girl (who’s name I don’t remember but I can totally see her face, if I could draw I would draw it. But I can’t draw). And we went inside. I realized then that I’d forgotten my hotel room key in the room. (I did this in my previous dream too… And in my dream I recalled that I’d done that recently/previously). I went to the front desk and there was a strange/busy line up with a lot of men and suitcases and stuff. They let me through though eventually when they noticed I was standing there and they weren’t doing anything except blocking the way.

The girl I got at the front desk was infuriating. I remember being very upset with her but keeping my calm because I had the little girl with me. I said I had forgotten my room key and that I needed my room key. She said okay Can I please have your ID. so I gave her my id, but the first ID card I pulled out was my mom’s ID for some reason, so I put that away and got out my own ID card. The girl was typing and typing and then she goes “oh I see what the problem here is!” And I was like “problem?” and she goes “yeah, you don’t actually have a room here!” and I was like “umm no, I do. I have been here for the last 2 weeks. I’m pretty sure I have a room here” and she goes “nope” and I’m like “um… Pardon me?” and her coworker who noticed my annoyance goes “What seems to be the problem” and I said “I need a new key-card I left mine in my room, and she’s telling me I don’t have a “reservation” here… even though I’ve been here for 2 weeks” and the girl that was helping me goes “yeah, see there’s no reservation for a “Jessica *insert incorrect last name here*” (I can’t remember what the last name was that she was using but it had NOTHING to do with mine. And it wasn’t ANYWHERE on my ID etc.) So I was like “Um, my last name is “C-Y-R” not *insert whatever the wrong one was here*” And she goes “oh, well why didn’t you SAY that?” and I’m like thinking in my head “are you FUCKING kidding me?” but instead I said “um. I gave you my ID, it’s right on my ID “Jessica Mae CYR” and she goes “oh look! It is!” so then she type type types and gives me a key and writes “146″ on it. And I said “um. that’s not my room number” and she goes “yes it is, it says so 146″ and I say “no, again, I’ve been here for awhile now, and I’ve been in room 136, did you move my things?” and she goes “no you’ve always been in 146, see you checked in yesterday” and she shows me the screen and it’s some completely different name, a guy’s name that isn’t even near mine. and I was like “are you kidding? you’re kidding right?” So her coworker again goes “Is there a problem” and I’m like “YES, I just need a room key. My name is Jessica CYR – that girl has my ID, I am in room 136, NOT room 146, I am NOT Jessica *insert whatever last name here* I am NOT *insert dude in 146′s name here*, I have a VERY SICK LITTLE GIRL HERE who just wants to ENJOY some time in my hotel because she’s never really gotten to stay in one, and you’re MAKING THIS VERY DIFFICULT” and the lady goes “oh, dear. there’s no need to shout… room 206 you said?” So I take a deep breath and say “I’d like to speak the the hotel manager please” and the lady goes “no there’s no need for that, we can take care of this here.”  And the little girl I’m holding says “Obviously not.” (LOL high -five little girl!) and I say “right. Manager please” and she goes “oh well. I don’t think that’s necessary” and just as I’m about to grab my stuff and just walk behind the desk and into the managers office, the manager comes out and goes “is there something wrong here” and both the women at the counter go “no sir, nothing’s wrong, everything is GREAT!” and I’m like “NO. There IS something wrong, Everything Is NOT great.” so I explain my situation (calmly) to the manager who gets me a new key (for MY room) and apologizes profusely and ensures that whatever we want over the weekend will be free of charge.

We get to my room. It’s still the double room with 2 beds, so I set her up in the other area with her own bed and her own TV and she askes “can I watch TV? Can I watch whatever I want?! Can I have the remote!” so I let her do that.

I remember falling asleep cuddling her and being really happy.But also really sad because I knew she didn’t have long.

I took her to her parents at a mall type place the following day and she went on an on and on about how much fun she had and all the things we did and her parents thanked me for taking her. And I thanked them for allowing me to take her. And then they left and I was really sad.

Then I met a friend at like a pub, and the bar tender/server was flirting with me but I didn’t quite catch on until it was too late and we were leaving. But he was russian or something, he had an accent and he was joking around with us and stuff.

Then I woke up.


So this dream was less disturbing in that there were no serial killers, but sad because of the little girl. And also strange because the only person I really knew in the dream was Alex… Which is odd.