The One Where I Get Older Again

I’ve been reading this really awesome book and it’s been making me want to blog again. Or write a book. I can’t figure out which. Either way, here I am.

Yesterday (April 9) I turned 35. Thirty-Five years old. That’s a lot many. Like a whole hand many, times 7. (That’s how you explain that to an 8 year old.)

There are so many things I want to blog about right now:

- My Childhood

- Eating Disorders

- Infertility

- Work-Related Stuff

- General stuff, in general.

- Things

- Stuff.

It’s such a great list right? I’ll probably add things to it like

- Why being a grown up is bullshit.

- “on being fat”

- How to offend 8 people at once.

you know, things like that.

Anyway… I turned 35 yesterday and it was nice and low-key. My boyfriend (who I hate calling that because I’m 35 years old. And I feel like I should not have a “boyfriend”) took me for Lunch and for dinner. He bought me flowers and a minion balloon to “make them more birthday-y” … “And because you like minions”. (Fair.) He also e-mail money transfered me $150 to help pay for a new windshield, because he’s super romantic like that. ;) (If you’re young and you’re reading this – make a mental note to come back and read this again when you’re 35 and you’ll feel totally dumb for thinking that was anything BUT super romantic. I’m just saying.)

Things I would like to tell my 16-18 year old self:


For fucks sake, just listen to me here. Listen Jessica, Listen… (this will be funny in a decade when you watch a youtube video of a fat toddler telling his mother Linda to just listen…).

You are not cool. You will never be cool. When people refer to you as cool, it’s because they’re being nice. BUT THAT IS OKAY. Seriously, you don’t need to be cool. Cool people are overrated (sorry to my friends who are cool. I love you You’re not overrated) (but they are.). You are amazing though. Seriously. You’re only 16-18 but you’ve been through A LOT of shit. And you’ve seen a lot of cool things that most grown 80 year olds haven’t seen. You have lived in 3 different countries! You will work in another country! You know 2 languages fluently and you’re good at picking up languages and accents when you need to. You have amazing stories already and you’ll collect so many more amazing stories that when you’re 35 you’ll think “I want to write a book but I have too many badass stories and I’m to lazy to organize them so maybe I’ll write a book tomorrow instead” and you’ll close your laptop and take a nap. (It’s true. your future self naps.)

Life is hard. high school sets the bar low though. So you can look back at high school and look at whatever shitty situation you just went through and you can say “huh, well that wasn’t THAT bad… ”

You’ll have a job that damages you. You’ll have so many other jobs that don’t and that are awesome. You’ll meet some GIGANTIC DOUCHEBAGS. You will also meet some EXTREMELY AMAZING PEOPLE you never thought you’d connect with in a million years.

You will marry someone because you think you can’t do better than him. And it’s not that he’s the worst person in the world, he’s not, but he’ll think you are – for sure, because you’re the one to finally figure out that this was a very bad idea. But you’ll figure out later on that you were acutally meant to be with the guy you’re dating now. I’m 99.999999% sure we’re not wrong this time. I know we thought that with the last guy we were engaged to (but don’t worry he’s awesome and you’re still friends even though when you break up you think you won’t be able to breathe without him.), but we were wrong and this time I’m sure we’re not. This guy is perfect. And even when you’re INSANE. Like – certifiable and in the full throes of an anxiety attack and you’re acting like a lunatic, he looks at you like you’re the most perfect creature on the planet and he hugs you and tells you he loves you and you’re not crazy. (Even though we know you are.)

You will try new things and love them. You will avoid new things and wish you hand’t. You will do stupid stuff and you will do smart stuff and you will eventually learn to laugh and to let go and to love spending time alone. You still hate being alone, but you’ll get used to going to places alone when you travel.

You prefer men always, but you will make some amazing female friends who make you rethink your stance on “bitches be crazy”

Things will get worse. And then they’ll get better.

I have more to say but it’s bedtime and I need to put laundry away.

This is what happens when you’re old.

Love You.

p.s. You’ll fart when you cough. beware.

p.p.s. you’ll have to worry about chin-hair. You can thank mom for that.

p.p.p.s. your bladder will leak but that’s because of your stupid uterus and they fix that when you finally convince them to remove it. So don’t worry you won’t be pissing yourself constanly for long. Just like, 6 months, tops.

Love you <3

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